my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
