It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
