Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
