oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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