I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
