I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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