You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
