oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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