So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
