You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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