you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
