I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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