i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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