I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
