apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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