i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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