I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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