We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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