My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
