i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
