Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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