Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
