Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
