cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
FUCK WHALES
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
