I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
