apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
