Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
