my phone needs a breathalizer
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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