Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
