Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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