i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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