Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
