I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
