Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
