I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
