i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
