Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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