just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
