I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
