ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
