guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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