I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
