Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
