I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
