so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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