The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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