I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
