you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
