she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
