he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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