How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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