We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
